Saturday, June 14, 2008

Ups and Downs

As I flip through my pictures from the last couple weeks I'm reminded of the rather crazy up and down weather we've been having, but maybe it's finally going to stabilize a bit ... or at least I hope. I am getting a little sick of trying to juggle hanging laundry between rainshowers, especially considering the weatherman is never right in his predictions so I can't go by what they think the next days weather will be and at the same time I can't just look out the window and go with that either since it seems to change so quickly. But ah well ... it gets done each week again, even if I sometimes have to breakdown and spend some money and use the dryer. I think the kids are loving the evening thunderstorms as it's a good excuse to be scared to go to bed. Rebecca is indeed scared, and Marietta gladly joins in so she can stay up late too. They hibernate in the basement ... and in Rebecca case she'll hide on the floor behind Rob's desk and colour or play there so she can't see the lightening. But I am really thankful for all the rain we are getting, it's so nice to see nice green grass and not have to water the gardens.

So last week Wednesday (the 4th) the kid's enjoyed Play Day at school. It reached a balmy 13C that day, with fog and cold winds all day. Indeed I felt I needed a winter jacket just watching them and here they were playing and having fun ... even with the cold water games which are meant to cool the kids down on a hot day. I went straight home to have a hot chocolate and try warm myself up again. (I will admit that I do get cold fast, but regardless it was a cold day for such an event).

Rebecca doing shoe kick and Marietta playing the Soccer Kick.

The girls played against each other for the Waterballoon Volleyball game.

Only two days later we were sweltering in a heat wave of 31C with a humidex of 40C. Wouldn't be Canadian if we weren't complaining about the weather ... from furnace to air conditioning! This heat wave lasted several days and on Saturday we went for our usual (okay, it's not a usual as we like, but we try) waterfalls walk ... maybe by time we leave we'll have seen them all. We tried Sherman and Caterbury Falls. The girls weren't disappointed by Sherman Falls as they love falls that they can actually climb to and get wet in ... and it being a hot day it was just perfect.

This Saturday we missed out on our weekly walk, but instead got to enjoy time with family, which the girls found just as exciting to spend time with their cousins. And now it's late, but Rob is busy cramming for his last exam this week. In a few days he hopes to write the last exam of his McMaster "career" and then kick back and relax for the summer ... okay, just work more hours, but wishful thinking! :)

As the weather has ups and downs it sort of reflects on my life lately. I have often heard comments about how people like it when we write about James, the things we remember, what we are going through, etc. I think I could probably write a whole separate blog on our memories of James or how our days go, but you'd start to think I was completely insane then! :)

As I climb out of what has been a rough couple weeks I breath a sigh of relief, for I was getting a bit worried that I wasn't going to climb out of this valley anytime soon. Life is so full of memories, they surround us everyday in all that we do. I'm not sure what brought on the last low, I think it was just a combination of different things adding together and once down more things just seemed to add on to keep the down feelings. Grief isn't the only thing that can do this, I'm sure there are many who have this in everyday life. I've never been one to get down for long period of time ... maybe a day or so and then back at it ... so when it begins to stretch out I think it just sort of snowballs into effecting all angles of life and then isn't all necessarily grief related.

It's funny how the same thought can hit you completely different from one day to the next. I know that James is gone, I know that he is never coming back. I am completely aware of that! But suddenly one day it just dawns on me that James is gone and he's never coming back ... and I fall apart like this is completely new news or something.

As I mentioned we just had Play Day last week. This day was a day of mixed emotions as it brought back some memories of previous Play Day's that felt very fresh, like they had just happened.

Here is James two years ago on Play Day. What a rough day that way. I had dropped Marietta off at school and headed start to Mac to bring in some tests and get some more tests done. I only made it part way there and James became rather ill, vomitting all over the place. It was snapping point for me where I couldn't handle things anymore for I knew there was something seriously wrong with my boy but we couldn't seem to get this through to doctors. We were still at the beginning stages, still learning the ropes of the system, how to get things done, who to call when, etc. After getting things done at Mac I head to the school to watch Marietta, but I was a mess. I had left phone calls with several doctors trying to get something done, but was getting no cooperation. Several times throughout the day I was thoroughly embarrassed because I broke down, I cry just thinking of my frustrations and anxieties at that time. But those phone calls that day paid off .... it took a bit, but I had finally had enough and wasn't going to be put off anymore. We finally managed to get James into hospital for testing and evaluation, which results in his LPI diagnosis. As a side note, I also remember this Play Day as being a cold day!

And here is James one year later on Play Day. This was during our extended hospital stay last spring as we once again battled with doctors to get them to understand that there was something more serious wrong with our boy and we wanted answers. I remember this day as being one of the very few times that I snuck away from James (while he napped) and left him completely alone (well obviously under the nurses care) so I could go spend some time at the school to see Marietta at Play Day. I could not relax while I was there as I was scared he'd wake up and be scared because I wasn't there. But yet the joy and delight from Marietta when she seen me come was enough to make it worthwhile.

Once again, you see how it is events that trigger my memory, not specific dates. This blog has gotten long enough, so I won't go any further into the the ups and downs. This is just the way life is, but as long as we put one foot in front of the other and look up we can carry on. I receive an e-mail this week and one line struck me: "Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up!" It is so true, I spend so much time looking back, remembering things, getting worked up about things that are over and done and I can't change, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with remembering and reminiscing, but as long as these memories are also always done in faith, knowing and trusting in Him who is in control, the one who does all things for His Purpose. And as I write this I feel better already, for a week ago I did not feel so bright about things. There are mountains and valleys and thankfully we're not stuck in the valley, what a comfort it is to know that the Lord carries us through all things.

Remember God’s Promise

“I am always with you,.”
This is the promise of God to one and all-
to every heart that’s hurting, grieving, or burdened with pain.
He offers hope and comfort.
He offers caring and companionship.
He offers peace of mind

God didn’t say the sun would always shine on each day.
He didn’t say the flowers would always bloom.
He didn’t say time would always bring us perfect happiness.
But God gave humanity a place to go -
a place where peace is always offered,
comfort is always given,
and love is a constant thing.
God said, "I am always with you,”
and He always is.

- Barbara J. Hall

Matthew 28:20


Lisa said...

Thanks, Steph- I needed that!

Kevin & Amy said...

Thanks for sharing this part of your journey with us! Love and appreciate your honesty:)

HH said...

I also feel priviledged to be part of this journey with you. Thanks for sharing, you are in our prayers.