Friday, January 4, 2008


Have you ever had it that you are busy doing something and then you have this feeling that you didn't finish your coffee (or tea). You get this strong sense that there is still coffee in your cup where you left it standing on the table and you can't get rid of that feeling until you check your cup. And sure enough ... there is coffee still in there, and even though it's cold now you feel you need to drink it just to get rid of that feeling that you didn't finish your coffee.

Maybe I'm just nuts, but I know I've had that feeling many times, and just to comfort myself that I'm not completely insane, Rob also gets the same thing ... so maybe we're both nuts :)
Ever since James passed away I've had this strong desire to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I need to hug him ... a great big gigantic James hug (that would probably result in crying). This desire will not go away for it feels like I still have tea in my cup and until I drink it that taste will remain in my mouth. Hugging someone or something else will not do, for nobody hugs like James, who gently patted you on the back when he gave a hug, and nobody smells or feels like my little James.

I often wonder why or where this desire comes from. I wonder if it is because for three weeks he was completely hooked up to cords and tubes and all we could do was hold his hand. I wonder if it's because on October 31 I really didn't mentally prepare myself for the worst and so I didn't give him that strong hug I should of before we let him go off for his WLL. After two successful WLL we knew the risk but didn't take them as serious and so I didn't take the time the day before to let him know how much we loved him, to pick him up and snuggle and hold him. For three weeks after that I could still hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him, I cannot imagine how those cope who did not have a chance to say good-bye to their loved one. During that time I could still talk to him, he could still listen and even though he could not respond with his voice his eyes sure said alot. When he passed away I was holding him for the first time in three weeks, but he was sound asleep (aneasthetic) and so this does not compare at all to a real responsive two-way hug.

I can analyze all I want, but whatever the reason, I continue to feel this strong desire to hold the boy I miss so much. I suppose this is to be expected, for it is all part of grieving and missing what we no longer have. For the first couple weeks after he passed away this feeling almost drove me nuts, and although it has lessened, it still is there and resurfaces more strongly at times when James' memory is especially strong (like after watching homevideos, or spending a period of time "just thinking").

So I guess it's like when you think there's coffee in your cup and then discover your cup is actually empty, eventually that sense that there is still coffee you need to drink goes away .... with coffee that sense disappears a bit faster then with James hugs.


Anonymous said...

Oh Stephanie!!!! I know what you mean when you want to hug someone that is not there anymore! If only we could ....Just one more time!
All these moments can just get more painful and that ache of wanting to hear their voice, feel their love through a hug, or like James..a gentle pat, just gets so much stronger when we feel like hugging our loved ones. And it is a void (like that nagging cup of coffee feeling) no one can understand better than a person who has that void in their heart! It is sometimes just an ill feeling! But thankfully we have God, and no your most certainly not nuts! :) Just normal! :) all our sorrows to God is really all that can be Better yet...Let God hug you! As He has done so very often already! I am praying for you still! We know that even though your life goes is not that easy! And so we continue to keep you close in our prayers, we are asking God to please settle that nagging feeling of what you wish you could do, and that If it is His Will that he will soften it with memories that will instead make you smile!
We think of you often!
((HUGS ))
Tracey Stam

Anonymous said...

Steph, our hearts ache for you as you continue to cope with missing James so much. We pray for your family every day, that God will comfort and strengthen you -- especially at those times when you feel James' absence so much. May you find some measure of peace in the sure knowledge that while you cannot hug James anymore, God is holding him in His loving arms!
the Noots

Kevin & Amy said...

Oh Steph... I can't imagine not being able to hug Micah tommorrow. My heart is aching right now. We continue to pray for and think of you everyday!

Anonymous said...

Oh Steph - I don't know what to say! One day, when you see James again, you can hug and hug and hug!! You are still very much in our thoughts and prayers - not a day goes by without us thinking about you and your family. May God continue to give you strength.

Deb Alkema